Emotional Servitude ©
Bondage is -
subjection to external influences and internal negative thoughts and
attitudes
W. Clement
Stone
The ties that bind.
I never really gave much thought to
that statement as a youngster. However; as I am now an adult and have matured
somewhat, I truly understand the importance of establishing and maintaining
enlightening, healthy, positive, supportive and uplifting relationships –
albeit formal or informal. I personally have had people come and go through my
life like commuters through Grand Central Terminal. Some of them leaving an
imprint on my life that will last a lifetime while others have barely
registered a blip on my emotional radar. All of them nonetheless helping to
mold me into the man I am destined to become. However, I’m still a work in
progress. We all are. In some shape, form or fashion we all are incomplete to a
certain extent. I think that’s the way the Creator intended it. To stave off
complacency. To keep us hungry and ever evolving. Don’t be deceived… the minute
you stop evolving, you’re dead. Not necessarily a mortal death but a death that
in my humble opinion is far far worse. I once trudged amongst the “Walking
Dead” as I like to refer to those individuals that go through life without any
plan or purpose for their lives. I have had my share of Light Bulb Moments
courtesy of the Most High that forced me to evaluate my life and evolve in
order to me to rejoin the ranks of the “living”. Now I must be completely
candid and honest with you. My affiliations and associations had and actually
still have a great deal to do with where I am in life. I must admit my life is
a blessed one. Nevertheless, it is that way because I have been blessed with a
great support system of friends, family, and associates. Something that we will
touch on later within this entry.
Now … on to today’s topic.
Emotional Servitude is in this
humble author’s opinion is the unnecessary form of bondage we all at times
place ourselves in because of the unspoken and sometimes imaginary ties that
bind. Bondage that is brought on by an individual’s mental and emotional
investment into anything that they have devoted themselves to albeit tangible
or intangible. If we are all honest with ourselves we have all found ourselves
a “slave” to something. Now before I cite some examples that a great many of us
can relate to I do understand that some of you reading this will probably not
be able relate because after all…. you always play the game, the game never
plays you. Or so you would have those around you believe anyway. So for those
of you out there on it like that… this next part isn’t for you. There are
several variations for the term slave. There is one that I believe best fits
affairs of the heart that I found on Free Dictionary.com. It reads as follows:
“One who is abjectly subservient to
a specified person or influence.”
Now let’s be honest. At one point in
your life…. This was you. We all know “you da man …or da wo-man” now. However,
let’s look past your current public persona and put that ego in check for a
sec. Let’s be completely open and honest with one another for just one
minute. Please. It’s ok…. Understand that no one walking this planet is
perfect and that everyone has made their share of missteps and mistakes. Raw
honesty with one’s self and one’s situation brings freedom but I’m getting
ahead of myself. I’ll touch on that in moment.
Now as previously mentioned,
we have all been or are a slave to something. The mortgage, that reputation
(good or bad), that marriage (for better or for worse), that job (hourly
compensation or a six-figure salary), that promise made oh so many years ago,
the doctor’s prognosis …. the list goes on and on. Now I understand that there
those of you out there reading this that may be absolutely fine with any of the
aforementioned life situations and scenarios. I am truly happy for you. You are
a truly blessed individual. However, there are those of you that are not.
This next part is especially for you. Whether you believe as I do or not,
understand that wherever the Spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. His Grace
shines on the just and the unjust alike. Be encouraged. Today understand like
you never have ever before that you are free. Free of people’s labels and
characterizations of you. Free of unsubstantiated and false claims of guilt.
Free of people’s unfair and biased opinion of you and your life. God
blessed us all with free will and the right to choose. He even sent His Son to
seal the deal. You are free to be whomever and whatever you want to be in this
life and as long as you are willing to live with the consequences of your
choice you will never be a slave to anything or anyone ever again.
In this humble author’s opinion, the
only way we can ever steer clear of Emotional Servitude is through raw honesty
about our lives and ourselves. The key to honesty is being proactive. Honesty
is never pleasant when it’s forced upon you. My mom always used to tell me that
a hard head makes a soft behind. Translation for the uninitiated: Keep doing
things the hard way and being stubborn and you are eventually going to fall…..
hard. Now for the record, that wasn’t my mom’s translation – that was mine –
mom’s was little more like “keep acting up and I’m gonna bust you up”. I
love my mom for “getting with me when I was on the act out” . Her tough love is
partially why I am the man I am today. That and a dad that held it down the
best he could and tried to show me how a true man provides for his family while
still being true to everything instilled in him. No, they weren’t perfect by
any means. Nevertheless, my parents showed me the importance of the ties that
bind at an early age. There were certain cats I couldn’t associate with,
certain places I could not go, certain girls were “trouble”, certain shows I
could not watch, and certain things that just could not be said because let’s
face it I was a child and I was implored to stay in a child’s place. Now those
of you whose upbringing was a little more “liberal” may be saying … “dude, were
you a ward of the state?” “Your folks
were super strict!” All I can say to that is my parents did their job. My
folk’s gig was not to be my friend (even though we were). My folk’s job was to
prepare me for this world knowing that one day I would have to stand on my own
and be someone’s parent someday. Their lesson to me about the ties that bind
was as simple as this, be careful who and what you associate yourself
with because whether you know it or not, people will make unfair assumptions
based on the visual evidence. I have recently had a reminder of exactly how
right they were. People will make generalizations about you based solely on
other people’s perception of you without even weighing out the evidence for
themselves. For those of you that subscribe to the mindset that “Perception is
Reality” understand this, perceptions based on the wrong information generally
leads to incorrect assumptions. So with that being said …. err, on the side of
caution. Do your due diligence before jumping to conclusions. Reality is
reality. Not one’s perception of it.
But I digress…
Raw honesty. Not that stuff full of
active ingredients and preservatives. The kind of honesty that shakes you to
your very core. The very kind of introspection necessary to free yourself from
the shackles of emotional servitude. I know all too well about this sort of
honesty. I sought it out actually. I had to. For you see, I too was a slave.
Slave to the need to honor my unspoken obligations to people and causes that
served absolutely no purpose other than to stroke my then very fragile ego. The
funny thing is that I knew all along that I needed to change but fear kept me
in bondage. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of isolation, fear of
other’s opinions and generalizations of me. Please don’t be deceived. Fear is
the number one enemy of freedom. Fear will choke the “life” out of you and
every situation you will ever find yourself in if you let it. However, once I
truly was honest about my fears, the cause of them and primarily due to the
glorious Grace of God I was able to find the strength to do what was necessary
to obtain the freedom I so terribly desired.
What’s the ultimate litmus test of
whether or not you are in emotional bondage? Take a moment and picture yourself
walking away from it whatever it represents for you. Does that cause you severe
discomfort? Does it cause fear to stir up in you? Can you see yourself not
living comfortably without it? Would you consider yourself “incomplete” without
it? If your answer to any of the aforementioned questions is yes, then my
friend you are more than likely a slave to that thing that you profess to love.
The only issue with this that love is should be given freely and unconditionally.
You should never be guilted into sharing your love and what’s most precious to
you with someone. Anyone or anything that would force you into emotional
servitude isn’t worth one second of your precious time and definitely not worth
you shedding one tear over their loss. As a matter of fact, if they want to
leave, help them pack. Anyone that doesn’t love you enough to hear your
concerns and honestly evaluate them and at least try to meet your expectations
(If they are reasonable) doesn’t deserve a spot in your life. Make room for
those that are truly willing to give you the love you truly deserve and
ultimately have your best interest heart.
As for me, give me the kind of love
that sets my soul free and renews me every single day. The kind of love that
brings with it no regrets and forces no involuntary sacrifices or compromise.
Notice I said involuntary. I have found that when you love someone, you are
willing to change if that means that the one you love benefits from the change.
Love is and will always be about compromise between two people that truly have
each other’s best interest at heart. As a matter of fact, if you are
unwilling to change certain things that cause your significant other or loved
one discomfort you need to honestly ask yourself whether or not you truly love
them. I only say that because I have been in love. Albeit with the wrong
woman… but nevertheless…. I have been in love. I know I was in love because I
was willing to lay down my life for her had I needed to. The problem was she
wasn’t where I was emotionally. She was unwilling to meet me where I was
emotionally. So for a moment I was a slave to love. I only share that because I
see this as an example of emotional servitude. Loving someone that does not
love you the same way. I know how much this can hurt. I have been there. Truth
is, they don’t deserve you. Never have and unless they meet you where you are
emotionally they never will. So stop trying to hold on to something that God
evidently wants you to let go of. He will never bless mess. The Word of God
says that the blessings of the Lord maketh rich and He addeth no sorrow with
it. The problem for many of us is that we can never stay out of the way of our
own happiness long enough for God to bless us with who we want and need. Slave
mentality to the utmost. Some of us would rather have a piece of anything when
in all actuality we could be a part of something wonderful that can make us
whole.
In closing I want to implore anyone
reading this to be encouraged. The life and love that you have always wanted
awaits you. It’s there for the taking. The key is to not allow your past
to determine your future and to place yourself in the proper position to receive
it. Don’t be a slave to your emotions. Yes… we are emotional creatures by
nature. Yes, some situations call for emotion over logic (though in my humble
opinion not very many). Yes…. We all at one point or another have found
ourselves or may even currently find ourselves in emotional servitude to some
situation, something or someone. However, just know that it doesn’t have to be
that way. You can have the life and love you want without having to sacrifice
your freedom. Remember love is to be freely given, not obtained through
coercion. Besides… if you have to force someone to love you, is it really even
the kind of the love that you need …. much less want? If you are absolutely
honest with yourself, I think that your answer would be no. As of right now, the
only thing standing in the way of your emotional liberation is you. No …. It
won’t be easy. The separation anxiety will mount and you will question if
pursuing your liberation is really the right thing to do. Only you know whether
it is or not. However, ask yourself this. Will my freedom bring me happiness
and joy? If the answer yes, make the change. Those two things are sometimes so
hard to come by in this life. Don’t allow fear to make you miss your chance to
get your share or it. I promise you, there is enough to go around.
Freedom is a choice and life is all
about choices.
Choose freedom…
Choose life…
… and don’t look back.