Origin Story ©

Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners

Laurence Sterne

So I begin this entry with a question.

Now I understand that your answer to the question depends solely on your life experience and could also be based on what you have witnessed over the course of your life. Everyone’s experience is different and everyone is entitled to their own opinion regarding the matter related to the question I am about to pose. Let it also be said that having an opinion does not entitle one to be condescending to anyone whose opinion may be slightly or even radically different than yours. Let me also preface this entry by saying that I am in no way an expert on Love and Relationships. Nonetheless, I have had enough success and made enough mistakes to have a little insight on matters of the heart.

Now that we got that out the way (Kind of shameful that one’s outlook on a particular topic has to come with a disclaimer these days…but I digress).

The question in question – pun intended – is:

What came first?

That “independent” female that plays the game better than the fellas because she was once one of the sweetest women that you could have ever met but due to dealing with cats that took her sweetness as a reason to abuse her spiritually, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically she now trusts no man and even says “I don’t need no man” (With her hands on her hips and her neck rolling….lol)?

Or

That dogmatic dude that was once the “Nice Guy”. The guy that was always SO sweet that had his kindness and gentlemanly nature taken for weakness to the point that he no longer wants to be kind to women because he sees the “bad boy” getting more respect than him.

One’s origin ultimately can define one’s present and future if it is allowed to. The origin of one’s moral compass can be most certainly be determined by the amount of changes they are forced to endure (either voluntarily or involuntarily) over the course of their life.

Dictionary.com defines the word origin as:

The point at which something comes into existence or from which it derives or is derived. The fact of originating; rise or derivation.

The interesting thing about that definition is that the point at which something comes into existence does not necessarily have to be when it actually began or was created. For example, no one is born a racist, or a murderer, or an activist, etc. Those are inherently learned behaviors that causes one to create a particular persona. This sort of takes me back to the aforementioned question. Now let me say that just because someone has their heartbroken doesn't mean that they are utterly doomed to become a bitter female or a male with a seared conscience. There are plenty of people out there that still believe in love and have the utmost respect for members of the opposite sex despite having their heart broken or  having been forced to endure abuse in some shape form or fashion by someone that had professed their undying love to them. I mean after all who hasn’t heard that hindsight is 20/20 (Which sucks by the way). I mean if given the chance to proactively avoid a trip to the Heartbreak Hotel, I don’t know a soul on the planet who wouldn’t jump at that chance. Me, however…. I have a slightly different outlook on affairs of the heart and heart break. I don’t regret dating any of my exes (Not that there are many  ... a brother is hella selective). Not a single one. As a matter of fact, I’m still friends with just about them all. I mean if something happened to them or their fam, I’d be just as concerned now as I was when we were dating. However, that’s just because of who I am and Whose I am.  I personally don’t feel it necessary to harbor animosity towards someone just because we didn’t “work out”. Nevertheless, I feel it extremely important to note that burned bridges are a lot harder to repair than those that are simply closed. Just because one season ends doesn’t mean another cannot begin. Where you were lovers and “in love” does not mean that former lovers or individuals who were emotionally involved on a level deeper than a platonic one can’t be friends. It primarily depends on the level of maturity of the individuals involved. Now…..If your ex is “bat ish” crazy…. I think you may want to just let that one go their own way for the safety of all those involved. Note: For the uninitiated, crazy exes have no gender preference. Trust me I have peeped out the collateral damage. Thankfully, I have not been infected by or affected by “crazy ex syndrome” (Thank you Jesus...hah tah tah tah).  I truly believe that this is basically due to the fact that I have always tried to be respectful to the women I have dated at all times. Noticed I said tried….. some women these days don’t want to be respected. There are women out here that don’t even respect themselves yet expect you to respect them….. but that’s a topic for another day and time *sips tea*. It’s just something about not attending every argument that you are invited to that makes things so much simpler down the line should things not “work out”. 

How does that apply to today’s topic? 

Why, I’m so glad you asked....

Respect of persons is everything in maintaining a healthy, happy, and harmonious relationship. For you see, when a person respects the person they love, they will never do anything to harm or cause any sort of discomfort to the one they have professed to love. Respecting the one you love also makes it easier for one to forgive the other when a perceived or actual wrong or indiscretion occurs. I read a quote one time that said:

Love is not complicated, people are.

I know what you’re saying. It’s simply not that simple. In all actuality, it is. It's people’s assumptions and inability to communicate that jeopardizes relationships. Show me a person that thinks everyone in the world is out to get them and I will show you someone who has poor communications skills. I hate to oversimplify love and relationships but to me it is simply a matter of making sure your mate completely understands you and your concerns without making them feel like an a** in the process.

Now the thing is, your mate has to be open to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I mean after all no one is perfect, but we all must be willing to accept our flaws and use them to become a better person thus improving the state your said relationship. The breakdown comes when you date someone who always to seeks to place blame rather than being willing to take a long look in the mirror and ask themselves “what could I have done differently”. See that last part…. That takes a mature, mentally strong and self confident individual. It takes strength and a hell of a lot of courage to take a hard look at yourself, truly acknowledge your flaws and earnestly work to correct them knowing that not only are you changing to improve your quality of life but the nature of your interactions with those around you. We complicate love by asking people we love to be someone they could never become or someone that they would never sign up to be if we paid them to be. That's right.. Paid them to be. You read it right. Which in essence what you are doing when you sleep with someone or give them the keys to our heart strictly on the basis of their “potential”. Yeah I said it. Stop creating eternal soul ties for the sake of temporary pleasure. Ain’t no sex that good to make me spend a lifetime with someone that has no intention of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. Now there is some sex out there that will make you temporarily foolish. Trust me. I know. But when the smoke clears and you get your senses back, the truth will be there waiting for your brain to catch up. What truth is that you ask? 

Hmmmm let’s see…..

• What’s this chick’s/ dude’s last name?  *whilst picking your draws (yep... I said draws) up off the floor*
• I didn’t even use protection….
• Wow… you are not even all that attractive….
• You did NOT look like that last night….
• Ok? Is that a Return of the Jedi Poster?
• Ok, I mean seriously…. Where’s the floor *Whilst tripping over every earthly possession they have*

The list of cold hard facts that settle in once all of that moaning and thrusting is done and those passionate and lustful feelings have passed is practically endless. Whoever you were just on top of or underneath (depends on your preference) better have some substance behind those movie star looks and those six pack abs. Otherwise, you are probably setting yourself up for some disappointment down the line. That is unless all you want from the situation at that particular moment are great sex, Movie Star looks and Six Pack abs (In that case, these next few sentences may not apply to you).

Now granted, if they are just as beautiful of a person underneath as they are on the surface then you have hit the mother lode.  A great many of us let the book’s cover get us hemmed up. You better crack that joint and read a couple of pages, hell if you’re smart …. a chapter or two. The more you know about the person you decide to give your heart to, the easier it will be to avoid having to even have to ask yourself “what came first”. If more people took better care of their hearts and the hearts that have been entrusted to them, the better the state of today’s relationships would be. The word of God implores one to do the following:

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it – Proverbs 4:23

Seems as if people today are attention starved. This in my opinion – the humblest I might add - makes people do foolish things to get recognized. This coupled unfortunately with the popularity of Social Media makes for an always dangerous and sometimes unhealthy combination. Let that marinate for a sec. Still confused? Ok…. When was the last time you looked at your Facebook or Instagram News Feed and was like what the hell? Right ….. like five minutes ago. Now take that and think about the last time you or someone you love did something like that to get the attention of a member of the opposite sex that you or they “fancied”. Hmmm ….  that was five minutes ago too? What you say?! Dag!

Anyway…

We sometimes (I say “we” because I have been a fool for love too. Hell, I’m not exempt!) do some dumb ish in the name of love, man. I mean those of us that are totally honest with ourselves aren’t ashamed to admit that. After all, being in love is all about being vulnerable. If you’re not vulnerable, then you’re not in love. Maybe in "strong like"…but definitely not in love. Take it from someone who knows how unsettling and uncomfortable it is to be vulnerable. To give your all to something or someone not knowing whether or not you are going to get an equal or even a satisfying return on your investment. Not that you should ever give to get, but having someone appreciate what you do for them and to have them return the favor in kind is just more incentive for the giver to keep on giving. So many people miss out on the true joy of giving one’s heart to another because they do not fully immerse themselves into the process. Love is to be experienced wholly and unconditionally. That’s impossible when you prevent yourself from being susceptible to the possibility of either receiving joyful elation or a painful revelation...  That’s just the nature of that beast called love. These same people will stand in line for a Powerball ticket. Hell, you have a better chance of finding the love of your life than winning that joint. And some of ya'll will spend your last dime on thirty tickets hoping for a big pay day. Nevertheless, to truly experience love in all its glory, you have to be all in. High Wire walking with no net. Cliff Diving at night. Swimming with no Lifeguard. Funny thing about love though is that it is eerily similar to being a Christian (For the uninitiated….). You have to trust with absolutely no trace of the existence of the God you serve other than a book and word of mouth accounts of experiences or encounters with the Most High from like minded individiuals. As a believer, I face ridicule for my beliefs and am even sometimes mocked for feeling the way that I feel. Nevertheless based on how wonderful the Lord has been to me and the fact that he has been so trustworthy, the Most High has my total allegiance. Love relationships are sort of like that too. Now I am by no means saying that you should worship your significant other (because I already know that somebody is about to post a comment to that effect). I am merely saying that in order to truly love someone you have to trust them unconditionally. This again takes me back to the aforementioned question I posed earlier. How easy would it be to trust someone with your heart had you never been mistreated by someone you had previously trusted with everything that was most precious to you? Extremely easy. However, that unfortunately is not everyone’s testimony. In some shape form or fashion, we have all been mistreated. The severity of the pain caused depends primarily on the level of your emotional investment. Here’s the tricky part though. Those of us that choose to continue to believe in love understand the importance of  forgiveness. Yes…. Forgiveness. I personally could never remain open to the prospect of loving someone again if I had chosen to hold on to the painful aspects of my previous relationships. I choose to focus on what was good about the relationship and the person knowing that we both made our lion’s share of mistakes and that we got the exact amount of mileage we were supposed to get out of the relationship. I’ve found that with forgiveness comes liberation. Once I have forgiven I am no longer shackled to that individual or to anything related to my relationship with that individual. How does this relate to “the Question”? Forgiveness prevents bitterness and contempt from setting in. Meaning once you forgive someone, you no longer have to expend insane amounts of energy hating or resenting them or what they represent. This not only applies to our love relationships but it applies to relationships in general. But that’s another entry for another day.

Thus in closing, I challenge you to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Simply because that is the actual place where love starts. Before anyone can truly love you and everything about you, you have to love yourself. Everything about yourself. That mole, those extra few pounds, that receding hairline, that humongous forehead (I mean since we’re being honest and all…you know it’s big.) You have to embrace your flaws just like you embrace everything that is great about you. That way, no one can EVER make you feel bad about them, thus causing you to feel grateful for someone who loves you just because you think your flaw is on full display when they may actually be abusing you or someone you love. So what if people have a problem with how you look, or how you talk or how you walk or about anything that you do.  Who cares? You shouldn’t. Rule of thumb for me is …how much do I respect this person and are they perfect? Part one of that question. If I don’t respect you… I don’t really care what you think about me or what I do. Part two of that question…. I know you’re not perfect. No one is. So who are you to judge? Trust .... it took me a minute to get there but once I did….. I never allowed anyone to use my flaws against me ever again. Most of the time people only point out your flaws because they don’t want anyone looking at theirs.

What came first?

It doesn’t even matter. 

After all, it’s not how you start that matters anyway.

It’s how you finish.

Finish strong.