A Balm Called Forgiveness ©

Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.
Hannah More

I absolutely detest waste in any form.

I have spent my life trying to be as responsible as I could possibly be with all that I have been blessed with.  Now as I have matured I truly have sort of obtained an understanding of what’s important and deserves your undivided attention and what doesn't deserve a second thought. As my wisdom has grown I now understand that the list of things not garnering attention is actually quite long. We tend to give things undeserved importance at times. I.e. the fairweather friend, or the hater’s opinion that in all actually wants what you have. When we “grow up” we understand that these people’s opinion of what’s important for your life in the overall scheme of things means absolutely nothing. However, this fact does not keep their offenses from stinging or causing us occasional discomfort. It is during this time when your patience, temperance and integrity is severely tested. It’s easy to have the "Eye for an Eye" mentality when you are all good with reaping the seeds that you sow. I know plenty of people whose lot in life is revenge and I must admit they are pretty damn good at it.

Nevertheless, in this humble author’s opinion it is an absolute waste of time to exact revenge on an individual for wronging you. Sure it may feel good in the interim, but that satisfaction is short-lived. I know because I haven’t always subscribed to WWJD. I was quick to anger and even faster to seek retribution. Then one day it clicked for me. What’s the point? Sure I blew off some steam , told them off, set them straight, opened up a can of whoop ass and made them pay. However, when it was all said and done it was me that ended up wishing I had not stooped to the person’s level. It was me feeling crazy because I allowed someone to make me act out of character. Don’t get it twisted. There are some people in this world whose sole mission is to study you to know what buttons to push simply to unnecessarily torment you or cause you discomfort. Then there are those people who are just naturally annoying as hell. Regardless of which group they fall in, it is in our best interest to stay above the fray. As the quote leading into this entry clearly states, the cost of not being the “bigger person” is way more expensive than showing restraint. Now I am not disillusioned by any means. There are going to be times when you absolutely have no choice but to “go in”. For those instances (of which I have experienced several times over the course of my life) my recommendation is this….. go all the way in. I mean go so hard in the paint that you break ankles and put cats on their back. I mean what’s the point in losing your sh&% if you don’t prove your point. Just saying. I know that is not exactly WWJD but I mean no sense having to revisit the same old nonsense. Shut it down… and move on. I mean short of taking a life or disrespecting yourself of course. I mean after all aggression does not necessarily beget aggression, but no one is placed on this Earth to be anyone’s doormat. Try reason. If that doesn't work…. respond accordingly. Aggression should only be used as a last resort. When you have exhausted all other possible alternatives and you find yourself with your back against the wall (either figuratively or literally), make sure that the one bringing the messiness or drama into your space beyond a shadow of a doubt understands that it is not appreciated and absolutely will not be tolerated. Now understand that for every action (depending on said action) will either be a need for atonement or retribution. In the very rarest of cases...both. I know. But once the smoke clears and everything has been said and done there is only one thing that will truly heal all wounds. Forgiveness. I mean sure, the external wounds may require a more “hands on” therapy program but as most of us know, it’s not the external injuries that stay with us the longest. Broken Bones eventually heal as do scratches and scars. However, the hardest wounds to heal are the ones that occur underneath the skin. I dare to say that mental abuse is a far harsher form of mistreatment than physical abuse simply because external damage can be healed with balms, ointments or various other forms of physical therapy. However once the external damage is healed, depending on how traumatic the events are surrounding your injuries  the corresponding healing of your soul is a far more tedious matter. There are no magical elixirs that can take away mental anguish. There aren't any over the counter medications that can remedy a broken spirit.

There is however a remedy.

Faith and Forgiveness.

Now, the first may not register with some. Everyone does not believe as I believe. I am a servant of the Most High. I am a believer that a spiritual connection and a healthy sense of self-worth can help one overcome even the most traumatic experience. You may not believe in the God I serve. You may not believe in a higher power at all. That is your right as a citizen of humanity. However, I will be the first to say that trying to fill a spiritual void with a tangible placeholder is a recipe for disaster. Trust me …. I know. I tried it. It really didn't turn out all that well for the kid. Now…. there are those that this actually works for. Kudos to these individuals for practically doing the impossible. I’m sure if you peel back the layers on the facade that these individuals have constructed, you will see they are not as content or their situation as stable as they would have it appear to be. The wonderful thing about having faith in something intangible is that it can not be affected by external factors like people’s messiness and a hater’s efforts to steal your peace. Hebrews 11:1 perfectly eludes to this:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

A strong faith trumps the world’s attempts to break you any day. Isaiah 54:17 eloquently sums it up better than I ever could:

No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn.

This is an example of faith at work. The enemy is relentless and as long as you try to live a life of righteousness the attacks will never cease. The Word never said that weapons would not be formed against you, but it does promise that they will never prosper.

The second part of the aforementioned equation (Faith + Forgiveness = Wholeness. Just in case you missed it) proves to be hard for most. The ability to forgive does not come easy. The very essence of forgiveness is birthed from having to overlook an indiscretion. Faith and Forgiveness are unfortunately not mutually exclusive. It has been my experience that in order to have one, you must have the other. My faith allows me to forgive. No...it isn't always easy. I AM human after all and human beings are inexplicably flawed. Okay…. maybe not inexplicably, but you get it. Yet it is because of our flaws that we should be quick to forgive. For you see no one is perfect. There are those that would argue with me that they are. That they don’t make mistakes. That they don’t comprehend imperfection. That everything about them and what they do is flawless. To those “perfect” individuals I say… you can have that ish. “Perfection” is an illusion and I don’t chase waterfalls. I am a realist and the realist that resides within me knows that every flaw has an endearing quality for the one that has it. Besides….One person’s flaw is the next person’s asset. It is those that have embraced their flaws that find it the easiest to forgive. Now don’t misconstrue what i’m saying. Forgiveness does not in any way exempt the recipient from atoning for their indiscretion. Ok …..let me rephrase that. Just because I forgive you for your indiscretion doesn't mean that I like what you did or that you are free to keep doing it. You owe me an apology, you need to make whatever you did wrong right and you need to cease and desist what you are doing immediately. You know sometimes you have to spell it out for folks.

That balm called forgiveness can heal mental scars. It allows one to overcome the pain and remove the scars caused by having their soul poorly handled. Don’t be deceived. At some point someone trusted you enough to place their soul in your care. At some point they allowed you to become apart of something they thought most precious. At some point this individual allowed themselves to become what a great many of us fear the most….. vulnerable. So many people do not understand just how powerful this sort of submission truly is. To quote one of my favorite comic characters:

With great power comes great responsibility.

Unfortunately, power mishandled corrupts the wielder. To be handed power over someone’s soul requires the utmost care and attention to detail. The truly disheartening thing is that so many individuals take this sort of power for granted. Mishandled power corrupts. I could go in so many directions with that statement …. but I won’t. Not in this entry (Stay tuned). A mishandled soul corrupts. Just look around you. Our youth’s (Some of them anyway) blatant disrespect for who they are and authority, the state of race relations in this country, the nature of our relationships (Platonic, erotic or otherwise), the level of self-disrespect shown via social media (If I see another fight video), the cops out there playing judge, jury and executioner due to lack of a moral compass (if you are a member of law enforcement and are out there truly protecting and serving I want to express my heartfelt gratitude and want to assure you that the aforementioned statement does not apply to you). The list goes on and on. Nevertheless, all of the aforementioned scenarios in this humble author’s opinion are cries for attention - for better or worse. How so? Allow me to elaborate:

1. Our youth’s (Some of them anyway) blatant disrespect for who they are and authority. Youth are impressionable and they emulate what they see. They are sponges and are products of their environment. Now of course there are instances where caretakers do their best (or what they believe is their best) to raise responsible citizens. But let’s keep it real….we all know “ratchet” or piss poor parents . For the uninitiated, a ratchet is a tool...however it has made it’s way into urban vernacular as an adjective describing something bad ( Just figured I’d clear that up. Carry on…..). When evaluating the state of today’s youth one has to look no further than their own home. Your children - for better or worse - are a reflection of what they experience or observe at home. I have witnessed this firsthand during my time as a youth mentor/ counselor. Sometimes all a child wants is for someone to notice them and to acknowledge their accomplishments. I was the only positive male figure a lot of the kids I mentored interacted with. Notice I said positive, not perfect. To the absentee fathers out there. You don’t have to be the perfect father. You just have to be present. There is no parenting playbook. Just being present speaks volume and for better or worse allows the child to decide to either follow in your foot steps or choose another path. I know. This was my father’s example to me. No…. the cat wasn't perfect and made his lion’s share of mistakes. Some I have repeated. Most I have not. But at least I had a blueprint to follow. For that I am grateful. As many of us can attest to, traveling is a lot less stressful when you have a sense of direction and/ or a map. To the mothers raising daughters, please believe that YOU are the example that your daughter will come to emulate. As a brother who has dealt with his share of broken women (friends and lovers) do us all a favor and keep you negative opinions about men to yourself. Just because your choice in men didn't turn out right for you and caused YOU a boatload of frustration and pain does not mean that your daughter is doomed to the same fate…. unless you speak that over her life. The state of the relationships of future generations depends on the seeds we sow today. Make sure your are sowing good seed.

2. The state of race relations in this country. The current climate of racial relations is this country is turbulent at best. The outright and blatant disrespect of persons and their race and/or heritage is at an all time high. It seriously feels like the state of race relations is regressing. I say that because I am a child of parents born during the era of segregation. My Grandparents were Sharecroppers and picked cotton until their hands bled. My Grandfather lost two of his fingers in the service of individuals that considered him less than a man. My Father went off to war at the age of 16 to defend a country that didn't respect him or anyone that looked like him. Sounds familiar doesn't it. We have a sitting President that has all but made the State of the Union the strongest that it has been in over a decade that has to tolerate (with exceptional grace and class I might add) a level of disrespect never witnessed before in the history of this country. I will just let that marinate for a sec…… No, I don’t agree with all of his policies. However, I do agree with most and recognize as well as applaud  his effort. The man can only do so much with one arm tied behind his back (the cat has done a phenomenal job despite the odds being ever stacked against him). That man’s forgiveness quota has been met and exceeded.

But I digress….

If we as a country are ever to eradicate the blight of racism completely from the hearts and minds of the populace, we have to eliminate ignorance. Racism is a byproduct of ignorance (As are many things but I will just stay on racism...for now). People tend to dislike … sometimes outright hate what they don’t understand. Speaking of generational curses (don’t trip...bigotry and racism is most definitely a generational curse), the only way to break a generational curse is to pursue a new way of existence. Einstein’s definition of insanity speaks to doing things the same way that has never worked yet expecting a different result. You can never understand another culture if you don’t study it. You will never change your opinion of a person or their heritage if you rely on the misinformation of those that came before you. I know...I know. Think for yourself? How dare I ask you to do that. How rude of me.

3. The nature of our relationships (Platonic, erotic or otherwise). We live in an age now where people have less of an interest in the well being of their fellow man/ woman. An age where individuals have a more self serving attitude towards how they treat people. Gone it appears are the days when individuals collaborated toward a common goal. Now it seems everything is a competition to outshine the the next person (even though they may be the only ones competing). As an individual that takes a selfless approach to life (sometimes to my detriment) I know all too well how individuals such as myself end up as collateral damage on the battlefield of life. The best intentions usually gets a selfless person taken advantage of and more times than not. Now as stated earlier, I pride myself in being a realist. To me, this is the simplest way to live. Life is hard enough without complicating it with unrealistic expectations. Nevertheless, I say this because respect of persons and communication are the lifeblood of any relationship. Being a realist (and a contextualist) allows me to treat people in the manner in which I wish to be treated. It’s only realistic to assume (i know a VERY dirty word) that if I treat you with dignity and respect that you will reciprocate in kind. Yeah, yeah...wishful thinking I know. We all know that that is unfortunately not the world in which we have been blessed to inhabit. Yet respect of persons is one of the simplest things. Maybe not in life application, but definitely in theory. The key is in understanding the sort of individual you are dealing with. You see regardless of race, creed or color there are three - yes - three types of people in this world. You have givers. Then there’s takers. Then you have those takers posing as givers. Point blank period. Understand who you are dealing with and act accordingly. Anyone who can not respect you, what you believe or what you represent does not deserve a place in your life. Assert yourself. If they don’t love or respect you they will probably leave. Hell… help ‘em pack, escort their a$% to the door and hold it for them as they leave. Hey… here’s the important part though….. lock the door behind them.

4. The level of self-disrespect shown via social media (If I see another fight video). For some people, any attention is good attention (good or bad). The level of people absolutely disrespecting themselves online is ridiculous. No less entertaining, but truly disheartening. I mean just check out your news feed on ____________ (Insert Social Media App here). The stuff some folks do for their 15 seconds and 120 characters of fame ranges from disturbing to appalling. Now don’t get me wrong, Social Media is not the problem. Disturbed individuals with Social Media accounts are. Everything doesn't need to make it into cyberspace or the cloud. Do us all a favor and screen yourself. If you’re an adult, you freakin’ know better. Tweens and Teens online making a complete fool of themselves is understandable. They have time to correct the damage and folks are just going to chock it up to their youth. They MAY get a pass depending on how severe the violation is.  If your age is somewhere north of say 25, I need you to be more responsible about the stuff you post. You know better. Some may say I’m hating or “throwing shade”. To that I say….. think what you want. I believe in having a level of self-discipline. After all, if you don’t control yourself...no one else is going to take the time to and if they do, I guaran-damn-tee you’re not gonna like the way in which they do it.

Which brings me to the next and final scenario of the aforementioned. Cops out here playing judge, jury and executioner due to lack of a moral compass. Now I would like to reiterate that if you are a member of law enforcement and are out there truly protecting and serving I want to express my heartfelt gratitude and want to assure you that the aforementioned statement does not apply to you. All policemen aren't out on seek and destroy missions in the hood. Not every cop is a Darren Wilson or a Daniel Pantaleo. Nonetheless, there has been an alarming spike in the instances of extremely excessive force being used by members of law enforcement. Seemingly in scenarios where it was absolutely not warranted on unarmed members of the populace. Now….. I’m not delusional. There is a trend. Once is an accident. Twice is a coincidence. A number in excess of that is a trend. With that being said there are those out there calling for retaliation. I disagree. Now I’m no pacifist. After all...I’m a contextualist. Even the word of God states that there is a time and a place for everything. The problem with the Eye for an Eye mentality is that the ones that actually “deserve” to be the recipient of said retribution rarely ever gets it. But be not deceived, karma is not a respecter of persons. Those that seek to cause harm to people undeserving of it will eventually reap what they sow. Maybe not today. Maybe not a year from now. Maybe not even ten years for now. Regardless of when that bill comes due, eventually that karma debt has to be paid. Just ask George Zimmerman. For those individuals that have run up a large tab, my heart truly goes out to you.

So in closing, I implore you to try a little tenderness. Tenderness? Yes, Tenderness. Forgiveness is all about tenderness and compassion. That means you have to be able to tap into that part of your spirit where love resides. Don’t think you have that in your spirit? You’re wrong. You do. You just have to find it. So many of us have operated from a place of self-preservation leading the life of an Apex Predator that we have never allowed ourselves to tap into the place within us where love and tenderness reside. Thus, today I challenge you to forgive those that have caused you harm or discomfort. Take the road less traveled. Anybody can return evil for evil. It takes a truly strong individual to practice forgiveness when you have every reason to absolutely destroy someone’s world. Notice I didn't say it would be easy or even pleasurable.  Now let’s be honest with one another shall we. Seeing someone experience the same sort of pain that they have caused you is typically the natural response for the majority of individuals walking this Earth. However, just because everyone is doing something a certain way does not necessarily make it right. Two wrongs never do. The next time you run across someone dead set on making your life a living hell, try with everything that’s in you to not reciprocate in a negative fashion. Dig deep, man. I know. Some folks make it hella hard to forgive them. That doesn't excuse us from at least trying. Just rub a little bit of that balm of forgiveness on’em. Not literally ….. well…..  unless they’re into that sort of thing. 

The awesome thing about a balm is that when applied in generous amounts it typically goes right to the source of discomfort and relieves it. All the same, a little bit can also go a very long way. It’s up to you to determine just how much is required.