Obey your Thirst ©

People are like stained – glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.

Elisabeth Kubler- Ross

Experience has taught me that love and relationships are all about setting the proper expectations going in.

I used to think that the goal was to meet someone, get to know them, settle down, grow to love them, marry, have kids, build a legacy, grow old, leave an inheritance, pass away.

Yet I seem to only make it to the "getting to know" you stage of the process. See the issue for me begins when I actually get to see the person for they who they truly are. Funny thing is, I am an open book from the door. What you see is truly what you get. I have no time for games and putting on a certain type of appearance in order for you to like or love me. Either you dig me or you don't. Take it or leave it. My outlook on relationships has come from a number of things. Primarily from how I was raised and the relationships I witnessed growing up and well into my adult years. The prevailing theme was commitment. Staying engaged in the process even when there were times when those involved felt like "tapping out". 

"Staying engaged in the process"......

The process to which I refer...the process of finding or meeting "the one" is pretty much the basis for today's entry.

Showing interest in someone you find attractive does not equate to being “thirsty”. Showing interest in someone attractive is simply that. It does not mean I’m trying to “hit” or have sex. It does not mean that I think you are “the one”. It does not mean that I just “have to have you”. It just means that you are appealing to the eye. I like your presentation. It means that I honor and respect the time you put into “looking fly” or “turning heads” by paying attention. To me, there is nothing sexier than a woman whose inner beauty is just as breathtaking as her appearance is on the outside:

*A woman whose smile is open and whose expression is glad has a kind of beauty no matter what she wears." Anne Roiphe

Unfortunately, I think people today mistake simple interest, small talk and gentlemanly gestures for “being thirsty”. Once upon a time these gestures were simply deemed as flattering. Now it’s like being a gentleman is synonymous with having stalker tendencies or some sort of mental instability.

Now granted…... It’s some scary mofos out here on this dating scene (both Male and Female alike). I think the issue on today’s dating scene is that now nothing is “off limits”.  People no longer respect a person’s boundaries or personal space. People no longer understand or are simply choosing to outright ignore subtle cues that people provide when they are uninterested or are uncomfortable with your approach. For instance…. Body language. You can instantly tell when some is either feeling you or not based on their facial expressions, body position, movements, etc. (Which are subject to change at any time during the interaction). I think this coupled with the fact that certain dating practices that were standard “back in the day” are now optional and/ or are just flat out no longer practiced is a sad testament to the fact that the game has sadly and most certainly changed. 

Courtship used to be the rule and not the exception.

Don’t think so? 

As a cat that has been actively dating for a while now, let me just provide you with just a few of the changes I have witnessed:

  

• First date etiquette.

Used to be that first dates were meant to make a favorable first impression on the person you were trying to court (There goes that word again) not as a means to have sex. As I poll some of my female friends it appears though first dates now have been relegated to “Netflix and Chill”. Now hey…. If your idea of romance is Chinese takeout and the Hulu or Netflix New Release Queue, then by all means knock yourself out. Thing is… what you allow will continue. People only do or try what you allow them to get away with. Don’t get it twisted, people provide insight on exactly what kind of person they are from day one if you’re paying close enough attention. When and where you meet them also often determines the sort of interaction you will have. Case in point, I have always found that conversations with the fairer sex flow better in bookstores than in nightclubs. Yeah I used the “C” word. Conversations……. That means you have to know how to talk intelligently and respectfully to people. Personally I have found that women that could not hold an intelligent conversation with me felt like they couldn’t “handle” me and chose to later date other cats that weren't as much "work. That’s fine by me. I am not in the business of keeping or trying to hold onto anyone that doesn’t want to be kept. Unfortunately for some (or fortunately depending on your perspective) I have standards and a high level of self-respect for myself. Now ... notice I said “they” felt that way, not that I made them feel that way. I believe that open and effective communication is the lifeblood of ANY relationship. I mean it’s truly as simple as this…. If you don’t know how to ask for what you want or effectively communicate to someone what you don’t want or won’t tolerate then you will find it extremely hard to maintain a joyful and harmonious relationship.

• Who pays or picks up the check.

Once upon time the “rule” for fellas was…...if you ask her out, you pay. Not now (Man I was born a couple decades too early). Now granted, I agree that it’s ok for a woman to pick up the check every now and then (if she chooses to). However, I don’t think that it should ever be mandatory (but that’s just me). See I was raised that being a gentleman involves providing a safe, secure, enjoyable and comfortable environment for the woman you choose to date (albeit occasionally or regularly). So.... if I ask a woman out, I need to make sure that I have done or am able to provide the following things for her:

• Clean and reliable transportation
• An actual game plan for the evening
• Arriving a few minutes early but most certainly on time for the date
• An enjoyable, entertaining, stress-free/ drama free environment for our date
• Showing her respect
• Being respectable
• Ending the date at a respectable time and in a respectable manner

 Sounds simple, huh...

Sadly, the problem has been that I tend to meet people's representatives. I get to like that representative. Then when the person gets tired of putting on a show (And when I tell you some of them jokers deserve an Academy Award...oh my bad.... WE don't get nominated for those.) the real them shows up. 

Consequently, that's when the trouble starts.

I have and still at times refer to my simplistic view of life and love as a fatal flaw (Read: my entry in the War Within Series called...you guessed it Fatal Flaw) mainly because it has been the source of a lot of pain for me over the years and probably will be until the day I die. 

I just don’t feel the need to change for the sake of others. That belief has resulted in a lot of sleepless nights. That belief has resulted in a lot of disappointments because I chose to see the best in someone who had absolutely no endearing qualities in them whatsoever.  I knew the relationship was toxic from the beginning but that occasional naivety kicked in and I honestly believed that the person was trustworthy when clearly they were not. The signs were there (The signs are always there.... we just have to acknowledge them). Does that make me gullible? No. Do I believe that people are innocent until proven guilty? Yes. Do I believe that everyone thinks this way? Of course not. However, I can't control people. I can only control how I react to or treat them. Now trust me I'm not an idiot. I know there are some people who don't feel like you love them unless there is drama and mess. Well...... I'm not the guy for them. I don't function well in emotional chaos. Mainly because I'm not accustomed to it. 

I want my woman to be emotionally intelligent. What does that mean? For me, emotional intelligence means knowing how to react to individuals based on how they behave or the subtle (or not so subtle cues) that they give you. Life has taught me that your Emotional IQ depends solely on your relationship experience and your ability to be mindful of the feelings and/or reactions of those individuals you are emotionally vested in. When you truly love and care for someone, mindfulness is mandatory not optional. For example, you and the one you love and care about are on a date. You and your loved are taking a nice leisurely stroll and the temp begins to drop. Now...... what comes next depends solely on your Emotional IQ. Without saying a word men with a particularly high emotion IQ know to not offer the one you with your coat but to automatically remove their coat and put it on their date. Why? Simply because when you care about someone, even the slightest bit of discomfort for the one you love is unacceptable.

Now granted, a relationship is work.... by both parties. 

No one should ever feel like they aren’t or their efforts are unnoticed or unappreciated. Mindfulness is the key. If you feel that way in the relationship... call it out. If it doesn't change.... move on because history has taught me that this sort of behavior rarely ever changes. In my humble opinion, in order for an individual to have a generous heart or have the ability to show genuine appreciation for what others do for them, they have to have a connection to something greater to themselves. I constantly say to whoever will listen that there are two kinds of people in this world. There are givers and there are takers. Understand exactly which one you are dealing with....and act accordingly. Typically, relationships begin on a level playing field until all those "in-love" feelings fade away and reality sets in....

Consequently, that's typically when the trouble starts. 

Either you find out that the one you have fallen for is everything you thought they were and more, or realize you have made the biggest mistake of your life. Either way, a choice has to be made. "Do I stay...or do I leave." Don't get it twisted. People walk away from the relationship of their dreams every single day. Mainly because happiness scares those that have never experienced it in all its glory. Some people would rather surround themselves with dysfunction and madness than to allow peace and joy into their lives and hearts. 

Now understand that I understand that relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows. But they are what you make of them. It's all about setting the proper boundaries and expectations going in. As for me, the minute I feel like the chaos in the life of the one I choose to court (I know...courting is a lost art but I still do it. Much to my dismay but I'm getting ahead of myself) I tend to extend the benediction. Now don't misconstrue my aversion to drama and nonsense as an unwillingness to work through things. Trust me...you have to do a lot of i'gnt ish before I decide to chuck the deuces. I'll just put it like this......I am always telling people that I kind of view relationships as a work of art. You see, artists put their heart and soul into their work. Sort of like we are supposed to truly put our heart and soul into our relationships. Well, at least I do anyway. You see, everyone gets a blank canvas with me. I provide the paint and all the tools you need to paint the picture of how you would like me to see you going into the relationship (Amorous, Platonic or otherwise). I allow you to control the brush strokes. To create the picture that you truly want me to see. Then guess what…. once you complete the painting, I interact with you based on the picture you present to me. The problem is that most of the time people don’t really know what to put on the canvas so they paint the picture they think that I want to see instead of just being true to what’s inside of them. Hence my dilemma. I have been presented with some faux masterpieces in my time and anybody that knows anything about art knows that there are some pretty damn convincing replicas of some classical masterpieces in circulation today.

Now for all those individuals out there that are quick to call somebody "thirsty", I have a couple of questions for you...

Question#1: Since when did being a gentleman and being chivalrous make someone soft?

I have homies that no longer hold/open doors or anything remotely chivalrous for females now because in their opinion, "being a gentleman has gotten a "bad rep". They feel like women no longer respect gentleman and prefer "bad boys". Funny thing is, listening to some of my female friends they say that that is the kind of cat they can settle down with - eventually. However according to these women unfortunately this sort of man is hard to find. I, of course tend to disagree with both groups of friends on this though. Being a gentleman has not gotten a "bad rep", there are just fewer and fewer "Ladies" out here that appreciate the sentiment. I have held my share of doors for females only to not receive a thank you or only to have received the oddest reactions ......like the woman was confused or something. I get it though. From what I hear, not many men do this sort of thing now, so it is somewhat understandable to run across women who have no appreciation for chivalrous behavior.

As for good men being hard to find...... they're not. Women just have to improve their vision and stop falling in love with a man's "potential". Either a man is caring, compassionate, mindful and industrious or he's not. If that cat is lazy, disrespectful and selfish going in well...... that's pretty much that man's character and no amount of love, sacrifice, porno star sex, tongue lashings or pot tossing is going to change that. A man doesn't change until he is ready to change. So with that being said, I get the "bad boy" thing. They tend to be exciting, charismatic, spontaneous and tend not to give a damn about the small stuff. They also tend to not sweat commitment and tend to move at a relaxed pace which makes them less "thirsty" (And can I just say I absolutely despise that damn word when it is applied to individuals and relationships.... but I digress). Thing is, bad boys are fun in the interim. Problem is, some women try to make these same dudes life partners.

Consequently, that's typically when the trouble starts. 

There is an old saying that you can't make a Hoe a housewife (...and I'm not talking about a garden tool). Well.... the same concept applies to bad boys. Mainly because all the stuff you thought was "cute" or "sexy" in the short term will absolutely work your damn nerves long term. Trust me...I know. I have seen that situation play out too many times in the lives of my friends and loved ones.

Question#2: Does a man showing emotion truly mean that he is weak?

Fact of the matter is, it takes an emotionally strong and mature person to freely express their emotions. Now anyone reading this knows that women are absolutely comfortable with expressing their emotions about any given situation at any given time (I know some brothers with the receipt from Glass Masters for that new windshield would agree with me). However, word on the street is that a man that shows emotion is an unstable man worthy of ridicule and possibly a strait jacket. I couldn't disagree more. I dare say that if men were allowed to express their emotions more frequently and consistently that there would be fewer wars and healthier, harmonious relationships the world over.

Yep...Some people out here dating have got the game all messed up. Marriage isn't for everyone. Truth of the matter is; I am really beginning to believe it is not for me anymore. Which is pretty disheartening because I have a lot of love to give. I'm just at a stage in my life where I just won't settle for anything and I will never allow or tolerate disrespect. I am willing to wait on what's right for me...even if that means I have to travel this road alone. Now I will tell you what does get a "bad rep" these days......Solitude. I think people dislike being alone because solitude means that your thoughts have your undivided attention. This can either be a great thing or the worst thing ever depending on your state of mind or mindset.

Nevertheless, for those of you still "fighting the good fight" when it comes to love......still holding on for Mr. or Ms. Right, keep the faith. They are out there. As for me, I'm on a love hiatus...a love sabbatical if you will. Well.... at least until the Most High gives me the green light. See ...I don't know about you, but for me that has been my problem when it comes to love. I tend to think I know how this love thing works better than the Most High does. Which is pretty ridiculous seeing as He (or She ...depending on your perspective) created it. That's like being nearsighted telling an astronomer using the Hubble telescope where the Big Dipper is without your garden variety telescope or even a decent pair of binoculars. In other words, it's pretty much an impossible task. Pretty much like putting a round peg in a square hole.... well ok.... that’s not really impossible. All you need is a hammer and a lot of blunt force. Problem is that you may actually get the peg to fit, but best believe you caused a helluva lot of damage in the process. 

Am I thirsty? 

When it comes to going after what I want or the making sure that the one I love and adore knows that I'm theirs beyond a shadow of doubt, I sure as hell am. As a matter of fact, there is no limit to the extent I will go to in order to assure her that she is loved and appreciated. I have chosen to obey my thirst. Yep.... don't get it twisted though. By no means am I desperate. I know my worth and I know that I have a lot to offer the right one when she shows up. 

The problem with thirst is that at times it can impair your judgement. Make you see things that aren't actually there (Spend a few hours in the Arizona heat during the summer improperly hydrated and I promise you will see dudes in little red jumpsuits carrying pitchforks). The key is to stay properly hydrated (Stay in the Word, form positive relationships with like-minded people) and never allow your thirst to overpower your logic and reason. Stop allowing people and the mainstream media to define your outlook on what it means to love someone. Only you know what is right for you when it relates to affairs of the heart. Our labor of love is to make ourselves open and available to receive it.

So go ahead...

Obey your thirst.

I guarantee you that when it's right, the rewards most definitely justify and far outweigh the risks.