When a Man Loves a Woman ©
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. - 1 Corinthians 13:4
While doing my due diligence in my preparation to write this, I discovered that there are many definitions of the word love (Dictionary.com has 27 different definitions for the word). This in and of itself is testament to the fact that Love is interpreted in many ways; it is mainly based on an individual’s perspective and the context in which the word is used.
For example the love you may have for your parents and siblings may differ from the love you may have for close friends and associates (I include associates for the simple fact that people that know whose they are have a mandate to love one another). However, for the purposes for this entry, I wish to concentrate on the male – female dynamic and how in my opinion it pertains to the word love.
Now I want to preface this next entry with a disclaimer:
I am in no way a relationship expert nor do I hold any degrees in the study of human relationships or behavior. However, I do believe that experience is the best teacher and if I were to take a straw poll I do believe that there are a lot of people out there that hold a PhD from the School of Life Experience.
With that being said I wish to speak a little on what I believe is an issue for people the world over regardless of race, creed, color, or economic status. Strained and dysfunctional relationships (albeit personal or impersonal) between men and women.
I was motivated to write on this topic based solely on the many conversations that I have with my friends (both male and female) about their relationships. The majority of my family, friends and associates are in fairly healthy relationships (Tips to come). However, there are those individuals that I consider friends or associates that have found themselves in emotionally unhealthy relationships. I completely understand what it is like to be in an emotionally unhealthy relationship because unfortunately I have had my share. I have been that one to complain about the relationship I was in and still tolerate mistreatment because somehow I believed that the person I was with would one day magically become someone that they just were not capable of becoming. I have been that one who believed that if I loved this person hard enough they will see my effort and have no choice but to become everything I need or want them to become. I existed this way for years. Then one day I received enlightenment. When you get your heartbroken enough times you learn how to protect it. You learn to take that joint off of your sleeve and put it back in your chest where it belongs.
My relationship rehabilitation began five years ago. It was then that I decided to take sometime to discover who I truly am. I had a real bad breakup and was just tired of never having anything to show for all of the effort I put into my relationships. So I decided to change things up a little and go back to the drawing board (Experience has taught me that in order to repair something that is broken, you have to take it apart and then put it back together.) My spirituality grew because I no longer put everything else before the Creator. I rediscovered love for things I had long sacrificed to please the people I had relationships with. I learned patience, compassion, temperance, and true selflessness. In addition to these intangibles I also learned the meaning of effective communication (The life blood of any relationship).
During my relationship time out I also learned what it meant to truly love myself. You see, I learned that when you love yourself you will not sacrifice your identity and you will remain true to your morals, your ideals and your beliefs. When you truly love yourself you will not allow people to place you in harmful and compromising situations. Anyone that asks you to do anything that is harmful and out of character for you does not truly love you. It was a hard lesson but I eventually learned it.
Now, I may catch some heat from some people for what I am about to say. Nevertheless, in my opinion it has to be said. People have to accept responsibility for the things that they allow other people to do to them. The time has come for people in dysfunctional and emotionally harmful relationships to quit blaming others for their poor decision making. I am an honest believer that when you finally get tired of being misused and abused that you will take great strides to change your circumstances. Otherwise all I can say is that if you don’t move or strive for better, then as far as I’m concerned you like the situation you are in. Someone told me long ago that you can’t genuinely complain about anything if you aren’t taking the necessary steps to change it. I personally am so tired of women blaming all men because they have been making questionable choices in the men they choose to become intimate with. All men are NOT dogs. However, this is a double edged sword. There are men out there that mistreat women based on their past dating experiences and this type of mistreatment is just as foul. It’s almost like the chicken or the egg analogy – which came first. Was it that Good man that chose to love a woman that completely mistreated him causing him to become a dog or that woman that chose to love a man that misused and abused her thus making her bitter and mistrustful? Whichever one came first really does not matter at this point. What does matter is that it is time for us to stop abusing one another and using our past as validation for this abusive behavior.
Dr. Myles Munroe has written several books on this subject. However, there are two wonderful books that I think are must reads for people truly trying to discover the basics of love. They are entitled Understanding the Purpose and Power of Women and Understanding the Power and Purpose of Men. I have read both books and I can honestly tell you that after doing so I had a brand new appreciation for the roles that both genders have in maintaining a functional relationship. Now I have to warn you. These books are not for the faint of heart and they are ONLY for those individuals that are committed to becoming a better man or woman. If this is not where you are in your life ….well read it anyway. I promise you that your life will be changed forever. These books discuss the biblically mandated roles of both men and women in relationships. It references “The Fall” in a way that I never viewed it before basically equally distributing the blame for the events that transpired in the Garden of Eden.
Nevertheless, when it is all said and done, people have to accept responsibility for allowing loved ones to mistreat them. Women, no matter how much you care about a man, if that man abuses you (Mentally, physically, or emotionally) he is not worth your tears. However, you are the only one that can decide that you are being mistreated. You are the only one that can do something about it. I am an extremely spiritual person, but the God I serve honors effort. Don’t ask the Lord to order your steps if you aren’t willing to move your feet.
This next statement is for the real men out there. The men that take care of business. The ones that respect their women, care for their children, pray for and protect their families, and work their tails off to be the provider God has mandated them to be. Keep doing what you are doing. You are humanity’s last hope. Strong Men are the backbone of their communities. Strong men make the world around them a better place than the way they find it. Strong men know how to treat a strong woman and will never abuse her for being a strong woman (recognize a Proverbs 31 woman when you see her and act accordingly). Strong men know that sometimes it’s okay to show vulnerability. Having a heart does not make you weak. Don’t let this world corrupt you. Strong men know that the rewards of this world pale in comparison to the reward they will receive when life’s race is done.
The title of this entry is entitled When a Man Loves a Woman for a reason. Loving a woman encompasses so many things. Caring for a woman calls for several things and you definitely have to have the proper mindset. You have to first understand the woman that you decide to love. In my experience there are no two women that are alike. The trouble with a lot of men (A club that I was a member of for a minute myself) is that we try to treat all of the women that we deal with the exact same way. This is completely unfair to women the world over. However, women nowadays are beginning to just accept this as normal and this is in my opinion is why many relationships between the opposite sexes are strained and dysfunctional. I am straight old school when it comes to dating. Once upon time it was cool to court, every date did not end with sex, and people actually took the time to genuinely learn about the person they were dating. In this age of instant everything, the art of courtship and dating has been pushed aside for instant gratification and sexual satisfaction and nothing else.
Then there are those individuals out there that prey on other people’s vulnerability. They prey on people that they know have had a horrendous break up or are unsatisfied in their current relationships with their guard down. There are people whose number one mission in life is to take advantage of people’s vulnerability. I have so many friends that have allowed themselves to become “trapped” in certain situations because they made rash and emotional decisions. That is why it is important to never be so in love that it clouds your logic. That only happens in the movies. The consequences for irrational emotional decision making are far more severe than anything you will ever see on the big screen or on television. The mistress never lives happily ever after with the man she just stole from another woman and vice versa. As a matter of fact, after speaking with friends of mine that have been the mistress or “the other person” it never turns out the way that they expect. Now, if dating other people’s significant others is your thing then by all means do what you do. However, you must know that you will ultimately reap what you so. You definitely don’t want to be on the dark side of Karma.
Now, there are numerous ways in which a man can express love and affection for his woman. There is no scientific formula, but there is an instruction manual. The problem with some of us guys is that we sometimes forego reading the instruction manual and just start trying to put things together. That’s why we sometimes tend to end up with left over parts and shotty workmanship. But I digress…
As I was saying earlier there are a number of ways men can show their love for their significant other. I have taken the liberty of listing some below:
When a man loves a woman he will lay down his life for her. When a man loves a woman, he will never want to see her cry. When a man loves a woman, he will never suffer any harm to come to her or those near and dear to her. When a man loves a woman, he never closes the lines of communication and values his woman’s opinion. When a man loves a woman, he will step up and take responsibility for his actions. When a man loves a woman, he will never ask her to do anything that he is not willing to do for her. When a man loves a woman he never makes her ask for validation or affirmation, he gives it freely and unconditionally.
So in closing I just wish to say a word to the women that may read this. If a man loves you, you will know it. You don’t have to ask him everyday. He will let you know. His actions will tell you. If his actions aren’t lining up with what he tells you…. You have a problem. Be honest with yourself at all times and don’t fall in love with a man’s potential. You may have the best intentions for him but a man is who he is. If he wasn’t the tidiest guy when the two of you met, odds are that unless you address the issue he is going to always be that way. Point blank, period. What you want for him or believe he has the potential to become has absolutely nothing to do with what that man wants for himself. Always remember that. The first clue in understanding this is to focus more on what he does as opposed to what says. However, sometimes we as men believe that actions are enough. What I have come to learn is that women (whether they admit or not) love affirmation. I did not say crave affirmation. I know plenty of women that get along just fine without daily affirmation from a man. Be assertive (Not disrespectful….. assertive. Please learn the difference) in what you need and want from that man that says he love you. From talking to a lot of my dudes I have learned that men find it extremely hard to love a woman that they do not respect.
Secondly, a word to the men that may be reading this. I have come to discover that we as men can get everything we could ever ask for or want from a woman by affirming her (Ladies, if you are truly honest with yourself you know that this is true). By affirming her I mean telling her how beautiful she is, sincerely listening to her talk about her day, rubbing her feet (come on, bruh… you know those stilettos are killing her!), Carry the groceries in from the car for her, take out the trash, help out around the crib, have dinner waiting for her sometimes. My female friends tell me all the time that it is the little things that they tend to appreciate more than big ticket items (Although I have never heard of any of my female friends not accepting or returning any of these items … I'm just sayin').
Come on Guys….You know your woman. I’m sorry ….. You should know your woman. Oh, no? You don’t you say. Well if you don’t trust me, cat……. I know plenty of guys that are just waiting to run into your woman. And trust me; once they do ….they will do everything that you won’t do just to get in where they fit in (Literally). Surprise her from time to time. Do something that you think she would love and would totally not expect. I guarantee you that the rewards from affirming your woman and making her feel appreciated pay major dividends and more than justifies your investment. Please don’t get it twisted, relationships require investment. Just make sure that your investment is worth the time and trouble. And last but certainly not least…… be honest from the beginning of the relationship. When it comes to affairs of the heart honesty is certainly the best policy.
I live by the creed that you get what you give. Never expect from anyone what you are not willing to give of yourself. I have learned that this applies to every relationship you will ever have. It most certainly applies to affairs of the heart. And lastly, learn what it means to love yourself. I mean truly love yourself. Why? Quite simply by asking yourself this question. How do you ever hope to love someone or expect someone to love you if you don’t even love yourself?